ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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