i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
