I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
