quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
