Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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