I accidentally burped into my bong.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Come see our sink grown plant.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
