Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
