hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
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