Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
