I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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