I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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