I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
