Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
