Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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