theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
