I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
