I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Im part way to drunk.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Randomize
