I can tuck mytits in my pants
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Dignity is for republicans.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
