I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
