Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
