You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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