he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
