Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
