I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
