I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
