every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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