Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
