How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
