I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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