New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
