i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
