Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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