hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
