Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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