He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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