i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
