My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
