i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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