its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
