im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
