im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
im six kinds of drunk right now
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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