So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
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