Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
