were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
