Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
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