I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
