I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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