I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Randomize
