she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
