I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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