At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
