Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
