I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
