Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
